Alone Time

This is going to be a long, rambling post...

Tonight something strange is happening to me... I have time alone. All to myself and it's quiet, really quiet. So far all I can hear is the computer, my typing, the fridge in the background and the A/C fan even further in the background. Jeremy and I have, for the first time since very early in our marriage when he was a waiter and I was in school, opposite schedules. With me consulting now I work mostly evenings with an occasional morning or day time. With Jeremy working at Taft Street Coffee he works mostly mornings with an occasional evening- late, late evening. When we were both working at St. Mark and before that, Asbury and teaching, we had nearly the exact same schedule being in the same places at the same time. Now, we still have time together but we're not actually working together, which is rather strange for us. Used to each of us would have to pick our time to be alone and work together to safe guard that but now, now I have alone time that I didn't schedule and I find myself wondering, now what?

Contrary to what most people believe, I love to be alone. I enjoy working with people, have a natural easy and comfort even in large groups of people, and have no problem working around people all day... as long as I get time alone later. My time alone is precious and energizing to me, I learn more about myself during that time, I am more creative, my problems seem so much smaller, and I can hear God best then. Most people believe that I am an extrovert because I am outgoing and friendly but in truth, I taught myself those characteristics (with the help of my mother and father, of course) by tearing myself away from my book and actually opening the door of my room and coming out to interact with others. I find myself becoming tired and cranky when I spend too much time with people and not enough time alone and in my two main career paths, this can be a problem.

As a musician I was fine, I had to practice regularly and generally, nobody wanted to be around when I did (would you want to hear me repeatedly try to get a high C just right? Yeah, I didn't think so...) and when I became a mother the first time I heard people say that I would need to be sure to find time for myself. This wasn't a problem at first, after all, it is much easier with one than it is with two and even harder with three (how do people manage more?), but then I left the world of performing and teaching classical music and found myself in ministry and surrounded by people all the time. With each additional child it became harder and then hours in the church began to increase. Now I find myself, an introvert that nobody would suspect being an introvert struggling by either always being with my children or being with other people and the most alone time I can sometimes find is when I am driving home from taking Ophelia to school- a whole 2 minute drive all to myself. Until, suddenly, now.

Our job situation isn't the best, we can't continue to support our family this way and in fact, I'm not sure how we really are (yes, that means God really has something to do with it) but in the midst of this there have been some tremendous hidden surprise blessings. Such as alone time. And learning how Jeremy and I can work together even though we're not "working together." Learning new things. Writing again. Painting and drawing. Building projects. Exploring missions. Learning French (hey, I really am getting better and Helena kicks butt!). Curating the gallery. Setting new goals. Time with God without an agenda. Watching TV (may sound strange but I never had time just to sit down and watch TV... granted, it's not the best thing but sometimes it feels good). Dreaming. Teaching our girls. Being with the girls more. Remembering our passions. Memories.

Once in a while I look at the mothers depicted on children's cartoons, movies, sitcoms, etc. and wonder which category I fit in. These mothers are usually one of two types 1.) (these are the moms on PBS, ABC and anything made by Focus on the Family or other Christian organization) the soft spoken, never angry or frustrated, patient angel that sweetly asks their child thought provoking questions that cause them to sweetly choose the best behavior (sigh) and 2.) the completely off the wall psychotic mother that screams all the time practically on the verge of strangling her sweet adorable child and basically only had a child to... do her evil bidding? Most of the time I'm aiming for something in the middle but closer to number 1. There are times however, like when I haven't had enough alone time or haven't had enough time with Jeremy alone that I think I may be more like number 2. And so I share this with the internet world, having no idea who could be reading this because I have alone time now and I started journaling but my hand cramped up and I felt the need to share with someone "I need alone time sometimes and I'm a better person, wife, mother and child of God when I make that alone time happen regularly." Don't forget to make sure you take your alone time too.

Thank you to whomever left that comment for us on our 12 highlights of Christmas. We don't know who you are (could you tell us, please?) but we were very touched and humbled by your comment. Thank you.

I'll be up until Jeremy gets home well after midnight- I like alone time with him too.